It's Interesting
It's interesting. Sometimes there's SOMETHING that I am anxious about, that my mind obsesses on and that wont go away. But then there are those times when there isn't anything for my anxiety to attach to - and in those times it attaches to THE FACT THAT THERE IS NOTHING. Why? Because the fact that there is nothing for me to be anxious about right now LEAVES SPACE for something terrifying to fill this nothingness and begin again the horror of being anxious. When there is nothing to attach to it attaches to the worry that something will come to my mind in the next few seconds that will make me so anxious that it will ruin the rest of my day. That I will then spend the rest of my day with my brain so clouded over that I can't think, trying to push through the clouds enough to make a path out of the storm but I can't.
So interesting. That I feel anxious, whether there is a trigger today or not.
If there is a trigger, my brain focuses on the trigger and panics about the trigger and then (even more than that) panics about the fact that I am panicking about the trigger so that I really lose functionality. But if there isn't a trigger, my brain obsesses on that ominous lack thereof - and waits, trembling, for that void to be filled with another anxious thought. This anxiety has gone on for so long that I am not used to the feeling of peace anymore - and definitely not happiness. I am so unaccustomed to happiness that my brain treats it like a foreign threat. I'm so used to being anxious - and that doesn't make it tolerable but makes it an impossible task to choose any other path than "be anxious". My brain just gravitates toward being anxious in any situation possible.... Being anxious has become my normal state now. Being not anxious is a special sensation to me. But the minute I realize that special sensation - the feeling of not being anxious, that realizing triggers anxiety again.
I try not to focus on the anxiety, so that it doesn't feel like anxiety is my life. I focus on the TV shows I love and all the inspiration I get from them - I focus on my favorite music and the way it lights up my creative mind - I focus on my stories and how much passion I feel about each one of them - I focus on all of my favorite things and it makes things better. But still, there are some times, like today, that no matter how much I distract myself from the anxiety it just comes back afterwards. It reminds me that the fact that I haven't found anything to be anxious about yet is in and of itself something to be anxious about because it is an unknown that looms over my head, an unknown soon to be filled with a horror.
I don't like horror movies - but even worse when the horror movie is my life, playing all the time. Yes, there's the jumpscare, and that is horrible - those are the times when there's SOMETHING that I can't let go of, that I can't fathom, that's making my head hurt and my chest tighten and making me feel like I might die - and making me worry that I actually will die soon- all while trying to keep a straight face and my sobs inside my throat, so that the house doesn't run wild. But then there are also those times, not as bad but terrifying in a different sense, when I think the jumpscare is coming soom because the dark creaky hallway is getting narrower, getting darker, the high-pitched bone-rattling suspense music is getting more and more shrill as the notes get higher and higher for building suspense and we get closer and closer to whatever it is - and the worst part of it is that most of the time, there isn't even any jumpscare to speak of. Just my malfunctioning brain acting as if there is one when there isn't. Every single second of my shitty life.
It's all very interesting - that this is the way my thoughts go.
So interesting. That I feel anxious, whether there is a trigger today or not.
If there is a trigger, my brain focuses on the trigger and panics about the trigger and then (even more than that) panics about the fact that I am panicking about the trigger so that I really lose functionality. But if there isn't a trigger, my brain obsesses on that ominous lack thereof - and waits, trembling, for that void to be filled with another anxious thought. This anxiety has gone on for so long that I am not used to the feeling of peace anymore - and definitely not happiness. I am so unaccustomed to happiness that my brain treats it like a foreign threat. I'm so used to being anxious - and that doesn't make it tolerable but makes it an impossible task to choose any other path than "be anxious". My brain just gravitates toward being anxious in any situation possible.... Being anxious has become my normal state now. Being not anxious is a special sensation to me. But the minute I realize that special sensation - the feeling of not being anxious, that realizing triggers anxiety again.
I try not to focus on the anxiety, so that it doesn't feel like anxiety is my life. I focus on the TV shows I love and all the inspiration I get from them - I focus on my favorite music and the way it lights up my creative mind - I focus on my stories and how much passion I feel about each one of them - I focus on all of my favorite things and it makes things better. But still, there are some times, like today, that no matter how much I distract myself from the anxiety it just comes back afterwards. It reminds me that the fact that I haven't found anything to be anxious about yet is in and of itself something to be anxious about because it is an unknown that looms over my head, an unknown soon to be filled with a horror.
I don't like horror movies - but even worse when the horror movie is my life, playing all the time. Yes, there's the jumpscare, and that is horrible - those are the times when there's SOMETHING that I can't let go of, that I can't fathom, that's making my head hurt and my chest tighten and making me feel like I might die - and making me worry that I actually will die soon- all while trying to keep a straight face and my sobs inside my throat, so that the house doesn't run wild. But then there are also those times, not as bad but terrifying in a different sense, when I think the jumpscare is coming soom because the dark creaky hallway is getting narrower, getting darker, the high-pitched bone-rattling suspense music is getting more and more shrill as the notes get higher and higher for building suspense and we get closer and closer to whatever it is - and the worst part of it is that most of the time, there isn't even any jumpscare to speak of. Just my malfunctioning brain acting as if there is one when there isn't. Every single second of my shitty life.
It's all very interesting - that this is the way my thoughts go.
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